Role Model Stress

Every parent should know, from before day one, that regardless of what parenting style and methods they choose, the primary means of teaching their children will be role modeling. Be assured, O Parent, that crises and inner conflict will arise from this realization. Kids may model behaviors from other adults, other kids and whomever they see on TV, but the parents bear the greatest responsibility for this.

I cringe when I see my kids tempers flare up in an instant or when they choose sarcastic remarks over kind words. The indifference shown over a brothers tears and heartache and the barely disguised smile at a brothers failure bring waves of guilt upon me. Their seeming inability to simply close their mouths and end an argument by non-participation makes me clench my fists and the constant name calling and accusations they hurl at one another bring me to the edge of despair some days. Yesterday it put me over the edge.

For three days in a row the seven and ten year olds had come in the house after school already fighting. It would begin with scowls and mumbled insults. It would escalate to name calling and yelling and some shoving. Yesterday the three year old decided to take a stance and added his shouts and a few kicks. Repeated efforts to put each one in a separate room had failed. They were like moths drawn to the fire in each other. We were congregating at the kitchen table, kids yelling and me standing, frozen, unable to think of just one more tactic to regain control that didn't involve causing great bodily harm to anyone. Hind sight can be a very depressing thing when first it comes.
Had I dropped to my knees and begun praying loudly for the binding of the spirit of discord and Christ's peace on the boys they probably would have become as frozen as I had been. Instead, I screamed "I hate being your mother! Your nastiness to each other and constant pick, pick, pick make my life a living hell! You are so MEAN to each other! Where are you learning this? You don't see Papa and I treating each other like this!" I felt like the front buffalo in a stampede. I could no sooner have shut my mouth than stop a hundred crazed animals running behind me. At that point I began to at least attempt to salvage some of their shredded self-worth by telling them how nice they were when they weren't together and "Mama loves each of you and it hurts to see that you don't seem to love each other at all." I exited the room in tears and hid in front of a sink of dirty dishes.

The three year old made the first move. He entered the kitchen with tears running down his face and said "I'm sorry Mama. I won't be naughty anymore. Is Jesus happy now?" That got him a big hug and kiss and he left the kitchen with both of us happier. The oldest boy handled it by crying things out and then being extra nice to me while the middle child pretty much blew the whole thing off. It's a day and a half later and I'm still kicking myself for not gathering them back together right then to apologize and explain few things while I was at it. I can't think of a single positive thing that I modeled to them. There certainly wasn't any peace, patience, kindness, thoughtfulness or self-control. Yet they go on like all is well.

I don't like being a role model but I have no choice. My calling, for now, is to be a parent and the two are inseparable. My greatest comfort is that I also have a role model. My tender, perfect Heavenly Father continues to teach me and encourage me and forgive me when I fail. He is also faithful to protect my kids from my failings. I guess what it comes down to is realizing that I don't always follow His example and my kids won't always follow mine, (which may sometimes be a blessing,) but if I am consistent in striving to follow Him, He will ultimately be their model.
Toward this end I work and pray, trusting Him.